I think blogs are somewhat overrated - yes? Hm. I'm thinking that perhaps I will get a blog elsewhere such as... well... livejournal.com or something. Then again probably not. Takes time to set up these things. So I'll just stick with it for now.
I've always been not that great at keeping a journal consistently, so my posts will be varied alot. Oh well. Nobody reads this anyway.
Felt sick today so I'm not doing anything. Which reminds me of halloween. I don't know what I'm going to be yet... I was thinking perhaps the corpse bride? Or maybe Elizabeth Swan. That's her name right? My head isn't so great today... I'm forgetting things. If I got it wrong and you have no idea what I'm talking about, it's that girl from pirates of the caribbean. But this year I think it would be fun to be dead. I mean, white face powder, blue eyeshadow... all that fun stuff. I've never actually been anything scary for halloween ever. I suppose there's nothing wrong with that. I'm always a disney character or something. Minnie Mouse 2 years in a row. Belle from Beauty and the Beast. Raggedy Ann. Always a cartoon character for some strange reason. Last year I was a fairy. I had a halo and wings.
Enough about halloween. I started school roughly 2 months ago. Been struggling with that a bit lately... It's not that I'm not doing the work, it's just that no matter how hard I work on something, it's always wrong. I guess this is where my low self-esteem takes a play - always telling myself that I'm not good enough. This thought can bring one down considerably. So yeah... been feeling a bit down in the dumps recently. Numerous factors contribute to this, not just school.
Being single has to do with it too, I guess. I have a bad tendency to depend on guys to bring up my self esteem. Which usually doesn't work, and has the opposite effect. At this point, I don't really care that much anymore... My standards are pretty high, and I've been tempted to just settle with what I got many times. I know that some of these guys are not necessarily good for me, and are bringing me down more than building me up. I found that depending on these people doesn't do much good for me. Sometimes it's just like... I can't help it? I'm not sure. I just wish there was one person out there who I could depend on, and wouldn't use me as someone to step on so they could get higher. I've found that being used like this is in the least, inconvenient.
I am soon to be a big sister.
Nah, my mom's not pregnant - we are adopting 3 kids from Mexico. Which scares me as much as it surprises me. When I was younger, I would think of how cool it would be if I wasn't the youngest - get some poor kid to do my bidding. Now my thinking has turned more to anticipating moving out in a couple more years. Don't get me wrong - I love my family. It's just that when I'm at home, I need a relaxing atmosphere so I can calm down. Funny how personality changes through means of puberty. I used to be an extravert all the way. Now, the world tires me easily, and I need to rest and recuperate. I need to rebuild my stamina by myself. The last thing I need is cause for panic attacks at home.
Medical reasons mess with my mind as well. Frequent panic attacks control my emotions and adrenaline. These panic attacks force me into a state of complete terror and the un-ability to focus. Following the terror symptom, the un-ability to focus sends my thoughts into all directions. I think about my life, and my friends and their lives, and how they compare.
There is more contrast than compare, usually.
Then of course the teacher calls on me at this moment of realization and I am unable to continue the train of thought I had previously experienced until, perhaps by accident, I stumble upon it again weeks later. Thoughts like these are not unlike dreams in this instance. The second your brain is stolen away, all that thought process vanishes into thin air, and is lost when you try to find it again.
